don’t read this post if you suffer from various forms of depression. i don’t want to be responsible for instilling feelings of despair (in anyone other than myself). you’ve been forewarned. and to borrow a phrase of a blogger i respect: no drive-by psychology either.

So why isn’t there a another way of acknowledging the various holidays of this season other than sticking the word ‘happy’ in front of them? if there is, somebody please inform me. i don’t want to be rude (most of the time), so i’ll usually give someone the *appropriate* *happy* greeting, but…i’m not particularly happy about anything that’s going on in the world, & saying “happy this” or “happy that” feels like cognitive dissonance. hmm, i guess its one of those things that only slaps you upside the head when you hear about perfectly good public housing scheduled to be bulldozed just in time for xmas in new orleans. or the economy. or the war. or global warming. or politicians (yes, ALL of them). or something as simple as when you find yourself saying “happy holidays” back to the crackhead who prolly stole your patio furniture.

looong ago i got discharged from the army for depression & felt stigmatized about it. obviously there was something wrong w/ me, & the most important thing was to keep anyone else from finding that out. but one day @ one of the shitty jobs i’ve had since getting out (not that being in wasn’t shitty but that’s another rant), a supervisor related to us lesser proles that people who think too much get depressed. i asked her if she were ever depressed, she smiled @ me (pityingly i thought) & said no. “so obviously you don’t think too much then.” i couldn’t have stopped myself from saying it, even if i wanted to, which @ the time i didn’t. the job sucked, & she was a thorn in my side. it was such an instantly liberating thought & i’ve become increasingly less stigmatized about my dis-ease (i now regret that this may have come @ any cost to her).

i’ve revised the thought however: if you’re not depressed, you haven’t been paying enough attention.

for anyone in the military considering leaving by whatever means are available to you, i’ve had so-called good jobs (ie good pay & perks), but i’ve worked more shitty jobs than good ones because of lack of education & an mos that was meaningless after i got out (remember some of those lies the recruiter told you?). NOT because of the type of discharge.

this rant shouldn’t just be un-happy thoughts. this is the 20 year anniversary of my discharge from the army, definitely a cause for celebration. shortly after that i turn 50, another cause for celebration when that day comes. once i wanted to live to be 100, but every day i pay attention i’m *happy* that’s unlikely. i’ll turn 50 on the same day of the week i was born, i think astrologically all this is supposed to be significant. i’m a skeptic, but i do like synchronicity.

“saturday’s child works hard for it’s living.” no doubt.

my new year’s wish (i don’t do resolutions), same as it was:
glimpses of
humanity
compassion
empathy
intellect
foresight
radical action
do not sustain me
the best i hope for is that nothing truly fucked up happens
before my sentence on this planet is up

i’m talking waaaay screwed up than what most can imagine. unfortunately i have no problem imagining the worst & little of what has transpired in the last 49.416 years has met my “truly messed up” criteria. that’s not to say nothing truly fucked up has occurred in the last 5 decades (katrina aftermath would be the example of an exception). i just have such low expectations of us humans that i know it can & prolly will get much worse, unless there are a lot more than mere glimpses of what we need for change.

happy? new year

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